It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Something I was completely unprepared for and I sat in the car and wept.

Okay before you go thinking it was something bad, let me explain.

My 6 year old son and I have done a lot together.  In fact for the first three years of his life, it was just he and I, all day, everday. We were a team while hubby was at work and we did everything together.  Went to playgroups, museums, shopping.  I was his first playmate, teacher and confident.

Now for the first time, he is away from me for the entire day and I feel like I have lost control (okay, only for 6.5 hours a day but still) over what he does, who he hangs out with, when he eats, if he eats.  I am no longer around to remind him to wash his hands, or to wear his hat or to remember to say please and thank you.  I’m also not there to soothe him when he gets hurt in the school yard or when he gets his feelings hurt.  I no longer know what he does every minute of every day and I worry.  Can he do it without me?  Does he miss us?   I can only sit back now and hope his dad and I have done our job and given him the tools to go out in the world and become a confident, self assured and independent little boy.

This transition to Grade 1 has been a lot harder than I thought it would be, on me not him.  Even harder in some ways then sending him to kindergarten for the first time. I will admit that I couldn’t even take him to school on the first day because I didn’t want him to see me cry!  And for the first three weeks I picked him up at lunchtime, brought him home, fed him and then took him back to school for the afternoon,  carefully orchestrating the whole thing so he would only have to be in the school yard for a few minutes before the bell rang (seems I have a hang up when it comes to the school yard and watching my little boy amongst all the big kids!!).

And then it happened.  Last Friday was Pizza Day and he stayed at school for lunch.  I was okay with this since I had volunteered to help out.  What I wasn’t prepared for was him coming home that afternoon, to tell me that he had had so much fun with his friends that he now wanted to stay at school everyday! EVERYDAY!!  Now don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that he is so happy and comfortable at school that he wants to spend the whole day there.  But I am sad that he is no longer dependent on me for every little thing and doesn’t need me anymore in certain aspects of his life.

So on Sunday night I packed him his first school lunch and took him to school on Monday morning.  I walked him to the school yard, got my hug and kiss (at least he’s not too old to give up that yet!) got back in the car, parked it where I could see him but he couldn’t see me and I wept.  I wept because he has reached yet another milestone.  I wept because he is growing up way too fast but yet still looks so small in that yard with all the big kids. I wept because he is happy, and that makes me happy.  I wept because he has literally grown up before my eyes and is the confident and independent boy I want him to be.

He is now gone from me for 6.5 hours a day and I miss him. But I don’t want to be one of those hovering moms so I will let go and let him become independent and his own person.  I just won’t let him see me hiding in the bushes watching as he does it!

Until next time, Live Well, Laugh Often Love Much.